Bus 74

OK, first some housekeeping issues. I think we can all see that I failed majorly in the 30 Day Blog Challenge. The only thing that I have actually been able to finish this week is a 10 page paper on Bahrain and a 800 calorie piece of cheesecake. 

Said piece of cheesecake (Adam's Peanut Butter Cup Fudge Ripple to be exact) actually was my depressive carb binge that occurred when I left work Wednesday afternoon, definitely the worst day of my year so far.

I was sitting in my computer at my internship that Wednesday morning, trolling on Twitter when I found out that Elizabeth Taylor had died. I texted my friend Jenn with the sad news, lamenting the national catastrophe when she replied "And the bombing in Jerusalem, too!"... It was then that I finally got to refreshing my Twitter feed and literally saw a flood of Tweets coming in talking about a bombing in a Jerusalem bus. 

I had such an intense physical reaction to this. I literally could feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach and the air leave my lungs. It's a cliched response, something you read in a Dan Brown novel when he travels into some crypt and finally discovers who has been killing of popes or presidents or whatever- but it's honest. It felt like I had taken in a huge breath and all day I could not exhale. 

I immediately got on Skype and called my friend Gabby who lives in Tel Aviv. Luckily she was home sick and had not even heard news of the bombing. She made the rest of the phonecalls and I called a few other friends and my father and made sure that everyone I knew was accounted for. Even after knowing that everyone I knew was safe, I still felt that knot in my stomach. 

I was never really affected by terrorism. I grew up during the Intifadas but they never managed to reach my doorstep. And if they did, it was a distant relative that I had no real connection to. It simply did not affect my life. For the first time, I felt that sense of panic and fear. Now I have dozens of friends, family and people I know in Israel. I've built a proxy life for myself there. I have people I love there. I have people I love serving in the army. Every single thing that happens now in Israel does affect me now. It does not matter if I am thousands of miles away at work, it will still reach across shores and find me. This is a fact that both shocks and comforts me, as it assures me that I have a real, true connection to my second home. 

I am shocked because I did not realize that I was part of a bizarre chain that happens after a terrorist attack. The chain I am referring to is when you hear of the attack, and you hear "Jerusalem, bus number 74". You rack your brain trying to remember the last time you were on that bus. Then you jump to everyone you know in Jerusalem. Then, back to the bus and the bus route. Where does the bus go? Do I know anyone who takes that bus? Then you make the calls. You call the friends, the family. Is everyone OK? You ask about people you know from Jerusalem. An hour or two later, everyone is accounted for and you can let out a breath of air. 

I have heard of this chain, this maddening cycle, from others. The fear that they felt, the anxiety. I just never pictured myself as being a link on this chain. To say it scares me is an understatement. 

Last night I got coffee with a young Israeli girl who is working here for a year and we talked about how frustrating it was to be all the way over here. We wanted to be with our friends and family. The whole event- coupled with the seemingly ceaseless rocket fire coming from Gaza- have made me even more certain that although life in Israel can sometimes be challenging and downright frightening, it is something that I still crave and want for myself.

But I also need to get some more sabra in me and toughen up a little. The stress of the bombing really shook me and I spent a good part of that night sobbing into a pillow and binging on carbs- most notably my precious cheesecake. I think the part that saddened me most was how alone I felt in my pain. I remember when I was back in Israel during Cast Lead and I had the emotional support of all my friends around me and we sat, watched the news, worried for our friends and talked about how we felt. But most importantly, we moved on and pulled ourselves together. Here, back in the U.S. and significantly isolated, the "pulling myself back together" part is a little bit trickier. But I will, and Israel will be even stronger for this as well. I just wish we didn't have to possess so many scars to prove our strength.