Why I Don't Care about the Royal Wedding

Everyone is talking about the Royal Wedding. It's trending on Twitter, there's a Lifetime movie about it, you can even buy toilet seat souvenirs of the soon-to-be-newlyweds. It is literally inescapable. With an estimated 2 billion people expected to tune into the wedding next week, it is a subject that is one everyone's minds. Unfortunately I have not passed a single day this month without hearing something about this damn couple. And that is why I have decided to compose a little list of why I personally do not give a damn about the royal wedding.

1. It makes Americans feel like they can be cute and say little British words or phrases.

If I have to hear one more Channel 5 news anchor sign off air with "tootles" or hear some American with a heavy Texan accent butcher the word "posh" in order to describe Kate Middleton's brunch outfit, I will go postal on all the bloody wankers and tossers who are reporting on this nonsense. 

2. It is detracting from the real star of the Royal Family: Harry.

Seriously, little Prince Harry is not getting the rightful attention he deserves as the official family fuck-up (pardon my French). And let's all admit it, about 80% of the people who are actually going to watch the royal wedding are just doing so to see what the ginger is going to end up doing to steal back his spotlight.

3. It is interrupting my news.

Good Morning America, Morning Joe, E! News- they have all abandoned ship and gone back to the motherland to report on the "wedding of the century". Please, we all know the wedding of the century was Khloe and Lamar. And stop with the obnoxious twenty-minute bits on the royal wedding, I DO NOT care what flavor the cake is nor am I particularly offended that Kate decided to arrive to her wedding in a car and not a carriage. What I am offended by is how CNN tries to segway from floral arrangements on "the wedding of the generation" (seriously, Khloe and Lamar) to "dozens more killed in Libya". Yeah, but let's take a guess at which story gets more press coverage.

4. It is taking over Lifetime.

Lifetime is my sole comfort in this crazy, dark world. When I get home from work at 6:30 all I want to do is pass out in front of my television and watch some psycho woman plot to kill her ex-lover's girlfriend/sister/mother. Now, I am forced to watch hours upon hours of 'specialized' programming highlighting every goddamn aspect of this glorious union. Not cool, Lifetime. 

5. It gives false hope to millions of girls that need reality checks, but unfortunately will not be getting one until the next ridiculous Katherine Heigl movie comes out and you realize again how doomed idiotic women are in society today

Self explanatory. You will not marry a prince. Be happy with a guy who has at least 90% of his teeth and a job with some sort of healthcare. Who needs a fairytale when you have an HMO?

And lastly, 6. It reminds me of how idiotic it is for taxpayers to give up millions of their own dollars (or pounds I suppose) in order for two people to have some dream wedding that a privileged .000005% (give or take a few decimal points) get to attend

Seriously, is no one else bothered about this?